Month: July 2020

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 38

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 40

1. And Joseph was brought down to Egypt; and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him of the hands of the Ishmeelites, which had brought him down thither.
   
2. And the Lord was with Joseph, and he was a prosperous man; and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian.
   
3. And his master saw that the Lord was with him, and that the Lord made all that he did to prosper in his hand.
   
4. And Joseph found grace in his sight, and he served him: and he made him overseer over his house, and all that he had he put into his hand.
   
5. And it came to pass from the time that he had made him overseer in his house, and over all that he had, that the Lord blessed the Egyptian’s house for Joseph’s sake; and the blessing of the Lord was upon all that he had in the house, and in the field.
   
6. And he left all that he had in Joseph’s hand; and he knew not ought he had, save the bread which he did eat. And Joseph was a goodly person, and well favoured.
   
7. And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me.
   
8. But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand;
   
9. There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?
   
10. And it came to pass, as she spake to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by her, or to be with her.
    
11. And it came to pass about this time, that Joseph went into the house to do his business; and there was none of the men of the house there within.
    
12. And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out.
    
13. And it came to pass, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand, and was fled forth,
    
14. That she called unto the men of her house, and spake unto them, saying, See, he hath brought in an Hebrew unto us to mock us; he came in unto me to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice:
    
15. And it came to pass, when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled, and got him out.
    
16. And she laid up his garment by her, until his lord came home.
    
17. And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, The Hebrew servant, which thou hast brought unto us, came in unto me to mock me:
    
18. And it came to pass, as I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled out.
    
19. And it came to pass, when his master heard the words of his wife, which she spake unto him, saying, After this manner did thy servant to me; that his wrath was kindled.
    
20. And Joseph’s master took him, and put him into the prison, a place where the king’s prisoners were bound: and he was there in the prison.
    
21. But the Lord was with Joseph, and shewed him mercy, and gave him favour in the sight of the keeper of the prison.
    
22. And the keeper of the prison committed to Joseph’s hand all the prisoners that were in the prison; and whatsoever they did there, he was the doer of it.
    
23. The keeper of the prison looked not to any thing that was under his hand; because the Lord was with him, and that which he did, the Lord made it to prosper.

1. There’s a lot of stuff going on in Egypt according to the bible… I wonder why there’s no records of any of this stuff…
   
   
   
2. Because the Israelites are just the best, amirite?
   
   
3. How? According to the bible, the Egyptians would have no basis to make a judgement like this. They don’t know god.
   
4. Because Joseph’s gotta have some special status if we’re going to make a story out of this.
   
   
5. With a setup like this, you know something is about to go wrong. The bible shows, if nothing else, that anything the Lord blesses someone, that person suffers soon thereafter. Maybe getting a blessing from god isn’t a good thing after all.
   
6. AKA: This Joseph guy is just the best, he does everything for this dude.
   
   
   
7. Time for the party to get started.
   
   
   
8. Given how eager everyone has been to get laid so far, this seems like an odd choice.
   
   
   
9. Did Joseph’s master tell him not to sleep with his wife at some point? I must have missed that relevant plot point.
   
   
   
10. Sounds like this woman won’t take no for an answer… just like many men I’ve heard of doing the same.
    
11. What time is this? How long has this been? Has Joseph been there days? Months? Years? No one knows.
    
    
12. Does this mean he fled out the door naked? Did they not wear any other clothing?
    
13. AKA: She’s gonna get her revenge. I think we’re supposed to hate her, but I just think god’s a dick for not helping out.
    
14. Oh no… she’s lying. How could anyone ever do such a thing? It’s not like we’ve ever seen anyone do that before. *cough* Abram *cough* Isaac *cough*. Also, shouldn’t that be Israelite, not Hebrew?
    
    
15. Anyone watching the house certainly would have seen the last part of this occur.
    
    
16. Has he been naked this entire time? Seriously…. it’s an important question!
    
17. Mock appears to be a euphemism for having sex in this context.
    
    
    
18. We already heard this… stop repeating yourself bible authors.
    
    
19. It seems to me that this entire story is an interweaving of two authors. One telling a story where the men were told, one where the master was told.
    
20. Lock him away, and redundantly repeat that he was locked away there. I really hate this repetition… I know it’s because it was an oral poem, but still… it’s annoying.
    
21. Seems like god could have done this with the master earlier. We get a better story this way though.
    
22. AKA: This guy does exactly the same thing that the other master did… why would you put a prisoner in charge of other prisoners though? That’s a terrible idea.
    
23. AKA: Joseph was able to get away with anything he wanted while he was in prison because the keeper decided Joseph was cool (because god made it happen).

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 37

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 39

1. And it came to pass at that time, that Judah went down from his brethren, and turned in to a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.
   
2. And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her.
   
3. And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er.
   
4. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and she called his name Onan.
   
5. And she yet again conceived, and bare a son; and called his name Shelah: and he was at Chezib, when she bare him.
   
6. And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar.
   
7. And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him.
   
8. And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
   
9. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
   
10. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.
    
11. Then said Judah to Tamar his daughter in law, Remain a widow at thy father’s house, till Shelah my son be grown: for he said, Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did. And Tamar went and dwelt in her father’s house.
    
12. And in process of time the daughter of Shuah Judah’s wife died; and Judah was comforted, and went up unto his sheepshearers to Timnath, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite.
    
13. And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep.
    
14. And she put her widow’s garments off from her, and covered her with a vail, and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place, which is by the way to Timnath; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given unto him to wife.
    
15. When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face.
    
16. And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?
    
17. And he said, I will send thee a kid from the flock. And she said, Wilt thou give me a pledge, till thou send it?
    
18. And he said, What pledge shall I give thee? And she said, Thy signet, and thy bracelets, and thy staff that is in thine hand. And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him.
    
19. And she arose, and went away, and laid by her vail from her, and put on the garments of her widowhood.
    
20. And Judah sent the kid by the hand of his friend the Adullamite, to receive his pledge from the woman’s hand: but he found her not.
    
21. Then he asked the men of that place, saying, Where is the harlot, that was openly by the way side? And they said, There was no harlot in this place.
    
22. And he returned to Judah, and said, I cannot find her; and also the men of the place said, that there was no harlot in this place.
    
23. And Judah said, Let her take it to her, lest we be shamed: behold, I sent this kid, and thou hast not found her.
    
24. And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.
    
25. When she was brought forth, she sent to her father in law, saying, By the man, whose these are, am I with child: and she said, Discern, I pray thee, whose are these, the signet, and bracelets, and staff.
    
26. And Judah acknowledged them, and said, She hath been more righteous than I; because that I gave her not to Shelah my son. And he knew her again no more.
    
27. And it came to pass in the time of her travail, that, behold, twins were in her womb.
    
28. And it came to pass, when she travailed, that the one put out his hand: and the midwife took and bound upon his hand a scarlet thread, saying, This came out first.
    
29. And it came to pass, as he drew back his hand, that, behold, his brother came out: and she said, How hast thou broken forth? this breach be upon thee: therefore his name was called Pharez.
    
30. And afterward came out his brother, that had the scarlet thread upon his hand: and his name was called Zarah.

1. This is one of Jacob’s sons in case you’ve forgotten.
   
   
   
2. Did she consent to it? Presumably this is different from when Jacob’s daughter was raped… but we’re not shown how.
   
3. This better not start another dadgum genealogy again.
   
4. It seems like another small genealogy yet again.
   
5. Thankfully this genealogy is a very short one. Don’t get too attached to any of these kids though.
   
6. Did this woman consent to becoming someone’s wife as well?
   
7. But why? We’re never told why. We haven’t received many rules yet.
   
8. Did she consent to this as well? Look at the bible… turning women into objects. Women had no rights at the time period.
   
9. Onan decides that doing the wife of his deceased brother is probably not the best idea. Perhaps she didn’t consent to anything after all? Maybe she actually killed Er and claimed god did it.
   
10. God punishes Onan too because Onan decided it wasn’t right? That’s silly.
    
11. Let’s get this straight: 2 of Judah’s children have died due to things related to this woman. To be fair, maybe they deserved it. He’s going to send this woman to another of his children and hope the same thing doesn’t happen?
    
12. Why was he comforted by his wife dying?
    
    
    
    
    
13. Sounds like plot development
    
    
    
14. Does she want to be wife to Shelah then?
    
    
    
    
    
    
15. Prostitution… it’s in the bible.
    
    
    
16. It sounds like she gets a chance to consent to this one at least.
    
    
    
    
    
17. Is this a worthwhile trade? I suppose it’s not bestiality like in Genesis chapter 2.
    
    
18. Apparently this is a good trade for a sheep as well.
    
    
    
    
19. Sounds like she just wanted to get laid. Nothing wrong with that.
    
    
20. Oh no, the random mystery woman has vanished.
    
    
    
21. Apparently she never existed! If only he stopped searching now and claimed it was some spiritual thing, this would be hilarious.
    
22. He’s really hung up on this for some reason. Is it because he wants to have his staff back?
    
    
23. How many people has he asked about this now?
    
    
24. What sort of demented logic is this?
    
    
    
    
    
    
25. AKA: Figure out whose these are and that’s whose kid I’m carrying.
    
    
    
    
26. This is very demented. Judah was going to hill her, and the only reason he didn’t is because he found out she has his kid. He would have killed her if it was another’s son
    
27. She had twins. Alright.
    
    
    
28. This kiddo is the first of the twins. How did they know there were twins?
    
    
    
29. Pharez is the first kid.
    
    
    
    
    
30. Zarah is second.

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 36

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 38

1. And Jacob dwelt in the land wherein his father was a stranger, in the land of Canaan.
   
2. These are the generations of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brethren; and the lad was with the sons of Bilhah, and with the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives: and Joseph brought unto his father their evil report.
   
3. Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colours.
   
4. And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him.
   
5. And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it his brethren: and they hated him yet the more.
   
6. And he said unto them, Hear, I pray you, this dream which I have dreamed:
   
7. For, behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and, lo, my sheaf arose, and also stood upright; and, behold, your sheaves stood round about, and made obeisance to my sheaf.
   
8. And his brethren said to him, Shalt thou indeed reign over us? or shalt thou indeed have dominion over us? And they hated him yet the more for his dreams, and for his words.
   
9. And he dreamed yet another dream, and told it his brethren, and said, Behold, I have dreamed a dream more; and, behold, the sun and the moon and the eleven stars made obeisance to me.
   
10. And he told it to his father, and to his brethren: and his father rebuked him, and said unto him, What is this dream that thou hast dreamed? Shall I and thy mother and thy brethren indeed come to bow down ourselves to thee to the earth?
    
11. And his brethren envied him; but his father observed the saying.
    
12. And his brethren went to feed their father’s flock in Shechem.
    
13. And Israel said unto Joseph, Do not thy brethren feed the flock in Shechem? come, and I will send thee unto them. And he said to him, Here am I.
    
14. And he said to him, Go, I pray thee, see whether it be well with thy brethren, and well with the flocks; and bring me word again. So he sent him out of the vale of Hebron, and he came to Shechem.
    
15. And a certain man found him, and, behold, he was wandering in the field: and the man asked him, saying, What seekest thou?
    
16. And he said, I seek my brethren: tell me, I pray thee, where they feed their flocks.
    
17. And the man said, They are departed hence; for I heard them say, Let us go to Dothan. And Joseph went after his brethren, and found them in Dothan.
    
18. And when they saw him afar off, even before he came near unto them, they conspired against him to slay him.
    
19. And they said one to another, Behold, this dreamer cometh.
    
20. Come now therefore, and let us slay him, and cast him into some pit, and we will say, Some evil beast hath devoured him: and we shall see what will become of his dreams.
    
21. And Reuben heard it, and he delivered him out of their hands; and said, Let us not kill him.
    
22. And Reuben said unto them, Shed no blood, but cast him into this pit that is in the wilderness, and lay no hand upon him; that he might rid him out of their hands, to deliver him to his father again.
    
23. And it came to pass, when Joseph was come unto his brethren, that they stript Joseph out of his coat, his coat of many colours that was on him;
    
24. And they took him, and cast him into a pit: and the pit was empty, there was no water in it.
    
25. And they sat down to eat bread: and they lifted up their eyes and looked, and, behold, a company of Ishmeelites came from Gilead with their camels bearing spicery and balm and myrrh, going to carry it down to Egypt.
    
26. And Judah said unto his brethren, What profit is it if we slay our brother, and conceal his blood?
    
27. Come, and let us sell him to the Ishmeelites, and let not our hand be upon him; for he is our brother and our flesh. And his brethren were content.
    
28. Then there passed by Midianites merchantmen; and they drew and lifted up Joseph out of the pit, and sold Joseph to the Ishmeelites for twenty pieces of silver: and they brought Joseph into Egypt.
    
29. And Reuben returned unto the pit; and, behold, Joseph was not in the pit; and he rent his clothes.
    
30. And he returned unto his brethren, and said, The child is not; and I, whither shall I go?
    
31. And they took Joseph’s coat, and killed a kid of the goats, and dipped the coat in the blood;
    
32. And they sent the coat of many colours, and they brought it to their father; and said, This have we found: know now whether it be thy son’s coat or no.
    
33. And he knew it, and said, It is my son’s coat; an evil beast hath devoured him; Joseph is without doubt rent in pieces.
    
34. And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days.
    
    
35. And all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him.
    
36. And the Midianites sold him into Egypt unto Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh’s, and captain of the guard.

1. Didn’t his father LIVE in Canaa, just like AbramHam did?
   
   
2. Thankfully, this one doesn’t kick off a genealogy like I feared it might.
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. Sounds like favoritism to me. Also, note the inconsistent, random name change again.
   
   
   
4. Doesn’t quite seem like a measured response.
   
   
   
5. Must have been a good dream
   
   
   
6. Don’t do it!
   
   
7. Yeah, telling people that they should bow down to you really doesn’t go over well.
   
   
   
   
8. Dudes, chill, it’s literally just a dream. If Joseph is the youngest, let him dream.
   
   
   
   
9. Sounds like he has a big opinion of himself.
   
   
   
   
   
10. At least he’s mostly chill about it. Just says no.
    
    
    
    
    
11. So… doesn’t care?
    
    
12. aight.
    
    
13. Gwan, git to work!
    
    
    
    
14. Just wants Jaseph to check up on the others.
    
    
    
    
15. Random dude shows up.
    
    
    
16. Talking to strangers is a good thing, kids!
    
    
17. How does this guy know where to find them anyways? This sounds like as convenient a plot device as any.
    
    
18. Killing your brother seems a little much for him having big dreams.
    
    
19. And now they decide to mock him.
    
    
20. Again with wanting to kill him. Are we supposed to emulate this thinking in our day to day life? It IS in the bible afterall…
    
    
21. Finally, a voice of reason.
    
    
    
22. This is confusingly worded. Reuben wants to toss him in a pit so Reuben can come back later and free Joseph.
    
    
    
23. How rude!
    
    
    
    
24. At least he didn’t get wet.
    
    
    
25. Sounds like a plot device to me.
    
    
    
    
    
    
26. There’s a reasonable question. I think I found the Chaotic Neutral one of the party.
    
    
27. Or maybe he’s Chaotic evil? I’m not sure. Could be Neutral evil…
    
    
    
28. Is this worth more than Jesus because of the time period? Jesus was sold for 30 “pieces of silver” later.
    
    
    
29. Oh no, if only he could have anticipated his brothers wanting to get rid of Joseph somehow…
    
30. Did they not think this through? Just tell Reuben that something fell in the pit and ate Joseph.
    
31. Seems a bit dramatic.
    
    
    
32. I’m pretty sure the way that they phrase this would light off warning bells to anyone.
    
    
    
33. nom nom nom
    
    
    
34. He’s saddened by the loss… if only the brothers could have seen this coming! Who knew death caused sorrow? Also, looks like he’s being called Jacob again.
    
35. Dang dude, you have a lot of life ahead of you. You’ll get over it.
    
    
    
    
36. mmkay.

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 35

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 37

1. Now these are the generations of Esau, who is Edom.
   
2. Esau took his wives of the daughters of Canaan; Adah the daughter of Elon the Hittite, and Aholibamah the daughter of Anah the daughter of Zibeon the Hivite;
   
3. And Bashemath Ishmael’s daughter, sister of Nebajoth.
   
4. And Adah bare to Esau Eliphaz; and Bashemath bare Reuel;
   
5. And Aholibamah bare Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah: these are the sons of Esau, which were born unto him in the land of Canaan.
   
6. And Esau took his wives, and his sons, and his daughters, and all the persons of his house, and his cattle, and all his beasts, and all his substance, which he had got in the land of Canaan; and went into the country from the face of his brother Jacob.
   
7. For their riches were more than that they might dwell together; and the land wherein they were strangers could not bear them because of their cattle.
   
8. Thus dwelt Esau in mount Seir: Esau is Edom.
   
9. And these are the generations of Esau the father of the Edomites in mount Seir:
   
10. These are the names of Esau’s sons; Eliphaz the son of Adah the wife of Esau, Reuel the son of Bashemath the wife of Esau.
    
11. And the sons of Eliphaz were Teman, Omar, Zepho, and Gatam, and Kenaz.
    
12. And Timna was concubine to Eliphaz Esau’s son; and she bare to Eliphaz Amalek: these were the sons of Adah Esau’s wife.
    
13. And these are the sons of Reuel; Nahath, and Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah: these were the sons of Bashemath Esau’s wife.
    
14. And these were the sons of Aholibamah, the daughter of Anah the daughter of Zibeon, Esau’s wife: and she bare to Esau Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah.
    
15. These were dukes of the sons of Esau: the sons of Eliphaz the firstborn son of Esau; duke Teman, duke Omar, duke Zepho, duke Kenaz,
    
16. Duke Korah, duke Gatam, and duke Amalek: these are the dukes that came of Eliphaz in the land of Edom; these were the sons of Adah.
    
17. And these are the sons of Reuel Esau’s son; duke Nahath, duke Zerah, duke Shammah, duke Mizzah: these are the dukes that came of Reuel in the land of Edom; these are the sons of Bashemath Esau’s wife.
    
18. And these are the sons of Aholibamah Esau’s wife; duke Jeush, duke Jaalam, duke Korah: these were the dukes that came of Aholibamah the daughter of Anah, Esau’s wife.
    
19. These are the sons of Esau, who is Edom, and these are their dukes.
    
20. These are the sons of Seir the Horite, who inhabited the land; Lotan, and Shobal, and Zibeon, and Anah,
    
21. And Dishon, and Ezer, and Dishan: these are the dukes of the Horites, the children of Seir in the land of Edom.
    
22. And the children of Lotan were Hori and Hemam; and Lotan’s sister was Timna.
    
23. And the children of Shobal were these; Alvan, and Manahath, and Ebal, Shepho, and Onam.
    
24. And these are the children of Zibeon; both Ajah, and Anah: this was that Anah that found the mules in the wilderness, as he fed the asses of Zibeon his father.
    
25. And the children of Anah were these; Dishon, and Aholibamah the daughter of Anah.
    
26. And these are the children of Dishon; Hemdan, and Eshban, and Ithran, and Cheran.
    
27. The children of Ezer are these; Bilhan, and Zaavan, and Akan.
    
28. The children of Dishan are these; Uz, and Aran.
    
29. These are the dukes that came of the Horites; duke Lotan, duke Shobal, duke Zibeon, duke Anah,
    
30. Duke Dishon, duke Ezer, duke Dishan: these are the dukes that came of Hori, among their dukes in the land of Seir.
    
31. And these are the kings that reigned in the land of Edom, before there reigned any king over the children of Israel.
    
32. And Bela the son of Beor reigned in Edom: and the name of his city was Dinhabah.
    
33. And Bela died, and Jobab the son of Zerah of Bozrah reigned in his stead.
    
34. And Jobab died, and Husham of the land of Temani reigned in his stead.
    
35. And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city was Avith.
    
36. And Hadad died, and Samlah of Masrekah reigned in his stead.
    
37. And Samlah died, and Saul of Rehoboth by the river reigned in his stead.
    
38. And Saul died, and Baalhanan the son of Achbor reigned in his stead.
    
39. And Baalhanan the son of Achbor died, and Hadar reigned in his stead: and the name of his city was Pau; and his wife’s name was Mehetabel, the daughter of Matred, the daughter of Mezahab.
    
40. And these are the names of the dukes that came of Esau, according to their families, after their places, by their names; duke Timnah, duke Alvah, duke Jetheth,
    
41. Duke Aholibamah, duke Elah, duke Pinon,
    
42. Duke Kenaz, duke Teman, duke Mibzar,
    
43. Duke Magdiel, duke Iram: these be the dukes of Edom, according to their habitations in the land of their possession: he is Esau the father of the Edomites.

1. Does this claim that Esau had a name change too?
   
2. This dude had 2 wives as well. Apparently god is cool with polygamy.
   
   
   
3. Wait, looks like he got upgraded to a third wife.
   
4. 2 kiddos (Presumably only sons being counted)
   
5. 3 kiddos (Only sons counted again)
   
   
   
   
6. But why? Is he annoyed at the whole “Being cheated out of inheritance and blessing” still? I would be too.
   
   
   
   
7. AKA: They had too much cattle and they were starting to over graze the land.
   
   
   
8. This is implying that Esau gets his name changed sometime off-screen again.
   
9. Welp, let’s get to the boring stuff.
   
   
10. 2 sons (not counting daughters?). But we already met these ones.
    
    
    
11. Note that this is Esau’s son’s sons, of which there are 5.
    
12. 1 more son for Eliphaz
    
    
    
13. 4 sons. Really discriminatory that they don’t count the daughters.
    
    
14. 3 bois.
    
    
    
    
15. All of them achieved duke-dom
    
    
    
    
16. The rest of them are also dukes. That’s gotta get annoying.
    
    
    
17. All dukes as well. They’re just handing out titles left and right.
    
    
    
    
    
18. All also dukes. No one gets left out.
    
    
    
    
    
19. Seriously, when did he get a name change?
    
    
20. Who is this guy and why do we care about him? Trick question: We don’t.
    
    
21. Get on with it already. You’ve artificially padded the read time enough.
    
    
22. 2 kiddos and introducing another person we don’t care about.
    
23. 5 kiddos, not that we really care
    
    
    
24. 2 kiddos. Not that anyone cares.
    
    
    
    
25. 2 kiddos, not that we care.
    
    
    
26. 4 kiddos, not that we care.
    
    
    
27. 3 kiddos, not that we care.
    
    
28. 2 kiddos, not that we care.
    
    
29. Seriously, we don’t care. Everyone is going to be a duke, JUST SAY THAT INSTEAD!!
    
    
30. Aight, I’m done here. This entire chapter is just to pad the reading time and I hate it.

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 34

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 36

1. And God said unto Jacob, Arise, go up to Bethel, and dwell there: and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fleddest from the face of Esau thy brother.
   
2. Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments:
   
3. And let us arise, and go up to Bethel; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went.
   
4. And they gave unto Jacob all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.
   
5. And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.
   
6. So Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan, that is, Bethel, he and all the people that were with him.
   
7. And he built there an altar, and called the place Elbethel: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.
   
8. But Deborah, Rebekah’s nurse died, and she was buried beneath Bethel under an oak: and the name of it was called Allonbachuth.
   
9. And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came out of Padanaram, and blessed him.
   
10. And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel.
    
11. And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;
    
12. And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land.
    
13. And God went up from him in the place where he talked with him.
    
14. And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he talked with him, even a pillar of stone: and he poured a drink offering thereon, and he poured oil thereon.
    
15. And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Bethel.
    
16. And they journeyed from Bethel; and there was but a little way to come to Ephrath: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour.
    
17. And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this son also.
    
18. And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin.
    
19. And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem.
    
20. And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel’s grave unto this day.
    
21. And Israel journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar.
    
22. And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father’s concubine: and Israel heard it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve:
    
23. The sons of Leah; Reuben, Jacob’s firstborn, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun:
    
24. The sons of Rachel; Joseph, and Benjamin:
    
25. And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel’s handmaid; Dan, and Naphtali:
    
26. And the sons of Zilpah, Leah’s handmaid: Gad, and Asher: these are the sons of Jacob, which were born to him in Padanaram.
    
27. And Jacob came unto Isaac his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, where Abraham and Isaac sojourned.
    
28. And the days of Isaac were an hundred and fourscore years.
    
29. And Isaac gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.

1. Dammit god, he just got settled down somewhere, and now you intend to make him leave again?
   
   
   
2. There has been no decree that other gods are bad yet, so why the demand to put any others away?
   
   
3. It’s still funny that Jacob didn’t really worship this god at first.
   
   
   
4. He buried these gods along side the corpses of the city his children slaughtered?
   
   
   
5. Given their propensity for violence, it’s no wonder they’d ignore these vagabonds.
   
   
   
6. Woo.
   
   
   
7. Didn’t he already build an altar here in chapter 28?
   
   
   
8. Why is Rebekah’s nurse here? Shouldn’t she be with old-man Isaac?
   
   
   
9. Just to confirm yet again that this guy is the chosen one, I guess.
   
   
10. Didn’t this already happen? I suspect the writers are getting timelines mixed up. Let’s watch and see if they remember to change the name this time.
    
11. blah blah blah. The author can’t get over repeating this so much. We get it already.
    
    
    
12. Yeah, sure, you think Jacob is special, we know already.
    
    
13. Does he ascend to heaven in front of Jacob?
    
14. This already happened back in chapter 28 as well. The authors really like redoing things.
    
    
15. This also happened in Chapter 28. Can’t the authors keep it together?
    
16. Forcing your wife to travel while pregnant is apparently a thing that is allowed in the bible. There will be no consequences for doing this, right? Right??
    
17. It seems like god could have seen this would be happening and put the trip off for a month or two.
    
18. Does this mean god indirectly killed Rachel through forcing a march while she was pregnant, knowing full well she’d give birth in a bad environment?
    
19. Oh look, a town name. We’ll probably be seeing something about it later.
    
20. aight.
    
    
21. Note the sudden name change. It comes out of nowhere.
    
22. So… Jacobs son is doing the same concubine that Jacob is? Apparently this is approved of because there are no consequences of this. Note the name change back to Jacob again.
    
23. 6 boys. 1 Girl isn’t mentioned because apparently she doesn’t matter.
    
    
24. 2 boys.
    
25. 2 boys
    
    
26. 2 boys. 12 boys altogether to set up the whole “twelve tribes of Israel” thing coming later.
    
    
27. Why did they head here though? They were told to go to Bethel.
    
    
    
28. 180 for those curious. Still not respecting Genesis 6:3.
    
29. Oh no, not Isaac, he was so old and did so many things off-screen that I really came to care about him!
    …not.

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 33

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 35

1. And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.
   
2. And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.
   
3. And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.
   
4. And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.
   
5. And Jacob heard that he had defiled Dinah his daughter: now his sons were with his cattle in the field: and Jacob held his peace until they were come.
   
6. And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him.
   
7. And the sons of Jacob came out of the field when they heard it: and the men were grieved, and they were very wroth, because he had wrought folly in Israel in lying with Jacob’s daughter: which thing ought not to be done.
   
8. And Hamor communed with them, saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife.
   
9. And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you.
   
10. And ye shall dwell with us: and the land shall be before you; dwell and trade ye therein, and get you possessions therein.
    
11. And Shechem said unto her father and unto her brethren, Let me find grace in your eyes, and what ye shall say unto me I will give.
    
12. Ask me never so much dowry and gift, and I will give according as ye shall say unto me: but give me the damsel to wife.
    
13. And the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, because he had defiled Dinah their sister:
    
14. And they said unto them, We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised; for that were a reproach unto us:
    
15. But in this will we consent unto you: If ye will be as we be, that every male of you be circumcised;
    
16. Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.
    
17. But if ye will not hearken unto us, to be circumcised; then will we take our daughter, and we will be gone.
    
18. And their words pleased Hamor, and Shechem Hamor’s son.
    
19. And the young man deferred not to do the thing, because he had delight in Jacob’s daughter: and he was more honourable than all the house of his father.
    
20. And Hamor and Shechem his son came unto the gate of their city, and communed with the men of their city, saying,
    
21. These men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters.
    
22. Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised.
    
23. Shall not their cattle and their substance and every beast of their’s be our’s? only let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us.
    
24. And unto Hamor and unto Shechem his son hearkened all that went out of the gate of his city; and every male was circumcised, all that went out of the gate of his city.
    
25. And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males.
    
26. And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem’s house, and went out.
    
27. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister.
    
28. They took their sheep, and their oxen, and their asses, and that which was in the city, and that which was in the field,
    
29. And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house.
    
30. And Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, Ye have troubled me to make me to stink among the inhabitants of the land, among the Canaanites and the Perizzites: and I being few in number, they shall gather themselves together against me, and slay me; and I shall be destroyed, I and my house.
    
31. And they said, Should he deal with our sister as with an harlot?

1. A single woman traveling all by herself? This can’t end well. I mean, it could, but come on, this is the bible!
   
2. At least there’s no attempt to rationalize that she enjoyed it like idiots do to rape victims today.
   
3. Oh how sweet, he fell in love with the girl that he raped.
   
   
4. That seems quite chauvinistic if you ask me, doesn’t she get a say in the matter?
   
5. I’d be pressing charges personally. Is there no legal system in the land yet?
   
   
   
6. Looks like it’s the fathers talking to try resolve this rather than Shechem.
   
7. Did everyone come out to listen?
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Doesn’t Dinah get a say in this at all? Seriously… Women have been treated like literal objects so far throughout this entire book.
   
9. There doesn’t seem to be any reason not to do this anyways.
   
   
10. I thought Jacob was in Canaan, which was theoretically given to his father, and therefore, all of his descendents.
    
11. At least this guy is doing what he can to try make things right as best he knew.
    
    
    
12. AKA: Dad told me I messed up and told me to say this to try make this right with you people who showed up on our land.
    
13. AKA: Jacob’s sons are going to be dicks after this legitimately honest attempt to make things right.
    
14. They decide to choose a small thing that really doesn’t matter…
    
    
    
15. …and tell them that all will be right if they just do that.
    
    
16. Seriously, look at these men go. They must be some sort of wizards. Turning women into objects left and right!
    
    
17. Overall not a terrible counter offer, but, as we know, this isn’t really going to happen due to the foreshadowing earlier.
    
18. They bought it hook line and sinker.
    
    
19. AKA: Shechem takes care of business immediately so he can get down to the business of doing a woman that he recently raped.
    
20. Time to call a meeting of the elders.
    
    
    
21. AKA: Now hear me out now… what I’m about to say is strange, but… these people are fine. We just need to do one little thing to be friends with them….
    
    
    
22. …and that is, chopping off a small part of your dick. From everyone here…
    
    
    
23. …deal? It sounds like they’re swell overall.
    
    
    
    
24. Strangely, everyone was ok with it. These people have kept their end of the bargain, let’s go check in with Jacob’s kids.
    
    
25. Looks like they’re… massacring everyone for upholding their end of the bargain? These ruffians lack honor!
    
    
    
26. Again… did Dinah have any say in this? Was she ok with Shechem? Did she want to leave? Did she want to stay?
    
27. I thought they were already there.
    
    
    
28. AKA: Pillage everything
    
    
    
29. And take all the women and children to be slaves, sexual or otherwise.
    
    
30. AKA: You done messed up. Everyone is going to try kill us now.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
31. Good question, but shouldn’t you honor your end of the bargain you made?

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 32

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 34

1. And Jacob lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and with him four hundred men. And he divided the children unto Leah, and unto Rachel, and unto the two handmaids.
   
2. And he put the handmaids and their children foremost, and Leah and her children after, and Rachel and Joseph hindermost.
   
3. And he passed over before them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.
   
4. And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.
   
5. And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the children; and said, Who are those with thee? And he said, The children which God hath graciously given thy servant.
   
6. Then the handmaidens came near, they and their children, and they bowed themselves.
   
7. And Leah also with her children came near, and bowed themselves: and after came Joseph near and Rachel, and they bowed themselves.
   
8. And he said, What meanest thou by all this drove which I met? And he said, These are to find grace in the sight of my lord.
   
9. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself.
   
10. And Jacob said, Nay, I pray thee, if now I have found grace in thy sight, then receive my present at my hand: for therefore I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God, and thou wast pleased with me.
    
11. Take, I pray thee, my blessing that is brought to thee; because God hath dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he took it.
    
12. And he said, Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before thee.
    
13. And he said unto him, My lord knoweth that the children are tender, and the flocks and herds with young are with me: and if men should overdrive them one day, all the flock will die.
    
14. Let my lord, I pray thee, pass over before his servant: and I will lead on softly, according as the cattle that goeth before me and the children be able to endure, until I come unto my lord unto Seir.
    
15. And Esau said, Let me now leave with thee some of the folk that are with me. And he said, What needeth it? let me find grace in the sight of my lord.
    
16. So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir.
    
17. And Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built him an house, and made booths for his cattle: therefore the name of the place is called Succoth.
    
18. And Jacob came to Shalem, a city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, when he came from Padanaram; and pitched his tent before the city.
    
19. And he bought a parcel of a field, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem’s father, for an hundred pieces of money.
    
20. And he erected there an altar, and called it EleloheIsrael.

1. Oh look, the name change has been completely forgotten already. The authors of genesis are terrible at keeping their plot points relevant and together. Case in point, this entire chapter.
   
2. But why? Why go through all this trouble?
   
   
   
   
3. I thought Esau wanted to kill Jacob based on chapter 27? These authors suck.
   
   
4. But why? This doesn’t fit any of the narrative. The authors of this suck at resolving conflict.
   
5. I wonder if there was any trouble figuring out that Jacob has kids from 4 different women.
   
   
   
6. But why?
   
   
   
7. But why? They never explain why they do this.
   
   
   
8. AKA: Why did you think I was going to kill you, despite, ya know, the call to murder you in chapter 27.
   
9. Esau has really chilled out in the years Jacob was gone
   
10. Is this Jacob trying to make up for being such a dick so many years ago?
    
    
    
    
    
11. Looks like Esau gets a blessing afterall.
    
    
    
    
12. Who said this? Damn the authors and their lack of definite articles.
    
13. Overall a fairly reasonable request. I presume this is Jacob speaking.
    
    
    
    
14. Why so formal with your brother?
    
    
    
    
    
15. Esau leaves some of the 400 people that were with him here. How will they be fed? Jacob wasn’t planning for this.
    
    
16. Shows up and exists immediately, like any good character that we don’t care about.
    
17. I really don’t care about this place name… especially since Jacob leaves it in the next verse.
    
    
18. Cool story bruh.
    
    
    
    
19. Interestingly, we have no idea how valuable these pieces of money would have been. Was that a lot? Was it a paltry sum? No clue whatsoever.
    
20. Bah, stop naming everything. We really don’t care.

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 31

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 33

1. And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.
   
2. And when Jacob saw them, he said, This is God’s host: and he called the name of that place Mahanaim.
   
3. And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the country of Edom.
   
4. And he commanded them, saying, Thus shall ye speak unto my lord Esau; Thy servant Jacob saith thus, I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed there until now:
   
5. And I have oxen, and asses, flocks, and menservants, and womenservants: and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find grace in thy sight.
   
6. And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.
   
7. Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;
   
8. And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.
   
9. And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the Lord which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:
   
10. I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.
    
11. Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.
    
12. And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.
    
13. And he lodged there that same night; and took of that which came to his hand a present for Esau his brother;
    
14. Two hundred she goats, and twenty he goats, two hundred ewes, and twenty rams,
    
15. Thirty milch camels with their colts, forty kine, and ten bulls, twenty she asses, and ten foals.
    
16. And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by themselves; and said unto his servants, Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.
    
17. And he commanded the foremost, saying, When Esau my brother meeteth thee, and asketh thee, saying, Whose art thou? and whither goest thou? and whose are these before thee?
    
18. Then thou shalt say, They be thy servant Jacob’s; it is a present sent unto my lord Esau: and, behold, also he is behind us.
    
19. And so commanded he the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying, On this manner shall ye speak unto Esau, when ye find him.
    
20. And say ye moreover, Behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us. For he said, I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept of me.
    
21. So went the present over before him: and himself lodged that night in the company.
    
22. And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.
    
23. And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had.
    
24. And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
    
25. And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
    
26. And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.
    
27. And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
    
28. And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.
    
29. And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.
    
30. And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.
    
31. And as he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.
    
32. Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh in the sinew that shrank.

1. Gotta reaffirm that he’s the protagonist again?
   
2. Again, why do the authors seem so intent on naming everything? It’s getting old.
   
   
3. Probably a good thing to do. Esau was either wanting to kill or something depending on which chapter you believe.
   
4. Is Jacob preparing to send himself into some more slavery?
   
   
   
5. AKA: I have all these things, please don’t kill me?
   
   
   
6. Looks like Esau took it to be a challenge.
   
   
   
   
7. I suppose that could work if Esau is an idiot.
   
   
   
   
8. Sounds like a terrible bargain for whichever gets wiped out.
   
   
9. You’re the chosen one or something, stop your whining. You’re really not that important.
   
   
   
10. Blah blah blah so humble, blah blah blah mercy, blah blah blah save me.
    
    
    
    
11. I wish Jacob would stop being so damn melodramatic. First he though Laban would kill him, and he didn’t. Now Esau? Jacob is the main character. As if.
    
12. blah blah blah blah. Stop yammering on.
    
    
    
13. Apparently bribing someone who might be trying to kill you is a good thing to do now?
    
    
14. That’s a lot of animals. I still say Laban would have had none of this.
    
15. And the animal list continues.
    
    
    
16. Preparing to send forth servants now too… when did Jacob get servants?? I thought this was a journey of his wife and children.
    
    
    
17. AKA: “Hey, you know that potentially murdery brother of mine? Walk up with more wealth than most people in the area and say hi.”
    
    
18. Sounds like advertising his location to Esau, the opposite of what he was trying to do earlier.
    
19. This is nearly repetitious
    
    
    
    
20. Yeah, we get it. Stop repeating yourself.
    
    
    
    
    
21. Servants gotta travel all night while tired, but he doesn’t have to. Got it.
    
22. Are they trying to be sneaky or something?
    
    
    
    
23. Not nearly as dramatic as George Washington crossing the deleware.
    
24. Where did this man come from? Did his wife and children just sit by idly and watch?
    
    
25. That sounds painful… how much of an absolute badass would he have to be to keep on wrestling after that?
    
    
26. Who says what to who? There is nothing to indicate who says what.
    
    
27. This couldn’t have been asked earlier?
    
    
28. Guess what? Literally no one ever calls him this, nor does the bible ever refer to him as this. (In)consistency at it’s finest!
    
    
29. Well… asking the name of the guy you just spent the night with seems like a decent thing to do.
    
    
30. There is no indication that anything mystical happened here. Why does he think this?
    
31. How did it halt there? Sensually caressing it? Describe in excruciating detail now!
    
32. This… is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Have you ever considered NOT eating other humans instead of making up a story to rationalize not eating a specific part of a human?

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 30

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 32

1. And he heard the words of Laban’s sons, saying, Jacob hath taken away all that was our father’s; and of that which was our father’s hath he gotten all this glory.
   
2. And Jacob beheld the countenance of Laban, and, behold, it was not toward him as before.
   
3. And the Lord said unto Jacob, Return unto the land of thy fathers, and to thy kindred; and I will be with thee.
   
4. And Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah to the field unto his flock,
   
5. And said unto them, I see your father’s countenance, that it is not toward me as before; but the God of my father hath been with me.
   
6. And ye know that with all my power I have served your father.
   
7. And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times; but God suffered him not to hurt me.
   
8. If he said thus, The speckled shall be thy wages; then all the cattle bare speckled: and if he said thus, The ringstraked shall be thy hire; then bare all the cattle ringstraked.
   
9. Thus God hath taken away the cattle of your father, and given them to me.
   
10. And it came to pass at the time that the cattle conceived, that I lifted up mine eyes, and saw in a dream, and, behold, the rams which leaped upon the cattle were ringstraked, speckled, and grisled.
    
11. And the angel of God spake unto me in a dream, saying, Jacob: And I said, Here am I.
    
12. And he said, Lift up now thine eyes, and see, all the rams which leap upon the cattle are ringstraked, speckled, and grisled: for I have seen all that Laban doeth unto thee.
    
13. I am the God of Bethel, where thou anointedst the pillar, and where thou vowedst a vow unto me: now arise, get thee out from this land, and return unto the land of thy kindred.
    
14. And Rachel and Leah answered and said unto him, Is there yet any portion or inheritance for us in our father’s house?
    
15. Are we not counted of him strangers? for he hath sold us, and hath quite devoured also our money.
    
16. For all the riches which God hath taken from our father, that is ours, and our children’s: now then, whatsoever God hath said unto thee, do.
    
17. Then Jacob rose up, and set his sons and his wives upon camels;
    
18. And he carried away all his cattle, and all his goods which he had gotten, the cattle of his getting, which he had gotten in Padanaram, for to go to Isaac his father in the land of Canaan.
    
19. And Laban went to shear his sheep: and Rachel had stolen the images that were her father’s.
    
20. And Jacob stole away unawares to Laban the Syrian, in that he told him not that he fled.
    
21. So he fled with all that he had; and he rose up, and passed over the river, and set his face toward the mount Gilead.
    
22. And it was told Laban on the third day that Jacob was fled.
    
23. And he took his brethren with him, and pursued after him seven days’ journey; and they overtook him in the mount Gilead.
    
24. And God came to Laban the Syrian in a dream by night, and said unto him, Take heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.
    
25. Then Laban overtook Jacob. Now Jacob had pitched his tent in the mount: and Laban with his brethren pitched in the mount of Gilead.
    
26. And Laban said to Jacob, What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken with the sword?
    
27. Wherefore didst thou flee away secretly, and steal away from me; and didst not tell me, that I might have sent thee away with mirth, and with songs, with tabret, and with harp?
    
28. And hast not suffered me to kiss my sons and my daughters? thou hast now done foolishly in so doing.
    
29. It is in the power of my hand to do you hurt: but the God of your father spake unto me yesternight, saying, Take thou heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.
    
30. And now, though thou wouldest needs be gone, because thou sore longedst after thy father’s house, yet wherefore hast thou stolen my gods?
    
31. And Jacob answered and said to Laban, Because I was afraid: for I said, Peradventure thou wouldest take by force thy daughters from me.
    
32. With whomsoever thou findest thy gods, let him not live: before our brethren discern thou what is thine with me, and take it to thee. For Jacob knew not that Rachel had stolen them.
    
33. And Laban went into Jacob’s tent, and into Leah’s tent, and into the two maidservants’ tents; but he found them not. Then went he out of Leah’s tent, and entered into Rachel’s tent.
    
34. Now Rachel had taken the images, and put them in the camel’s furniture, and sat upon them. And Laban searched all the tent, but found them not.
    
35. And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched but found not the images.
    
36. And Jacob was wroth, and chode with Laban: and Jacob answered and said to Laban, What is my trespass? what is my sin, that thou hast so hotly pursued after me?
    
37. Whereas thou hast searched all my stuff, what hast thou found of all thy household stuff? set it here before my brethren and thy brethren, that they may judge betwixt us both.
    
38. This twenty years have I been with thee; thy ewes and thy she goats have not cast their young, and the rams of thy flock have I not eaten.
    
39. That which was torn of beasts I brought not unto thee; I bare the loss of it; of my hand didst thou require it, whether stolen by day, or stolen by night.
    
40. Thus I was; in the day the drought consumed me, and the frost by night; and my sleep departed from mine eyes.
    
41. Thus have I been twenty years in thy house; I served thee fourteen years for thy two daughters, and six years for thy cattle: and thou hast changed my wages ten times.
    
42. Except the God of my father, the God of Abraham, and the fear of Isaac, had been with me, surely thou hadst sent me away now empty. God hath seen mine affliction and the labour of my hands, and rebuked thee yesternight.
    
43. And Laban answered and said unto Jacob, These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and all that thou seest is mine: and what can I do this day unto these my daughters, or unto their children which they have born?
    
44. Now therefore come thou, let us make a covenant, I and thou; and let it be for a witness between me and thee.
    
45. And Jacob took a stone, and set it up for a pillar.
    
46. And Jacob said unto his brethren, Gather stones; and they took stones, and made an heap: and they did eat there upon the heap.
    
47. And Laban called it Jegarsahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed.
    
48. And Laban said, This heap is a witness between me and thee this day. Therefore was the name of it called Galeed;
    
49. And Mizpah; for he said, The Lord watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another.
    
50. If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee.
    
51. And Laban said to Jacob, Behold this heap, and behold this pillar, which I have cast betwixt me and thee:
    
52. This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm.
    
53. The God of Abraham, and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge betwixt us. And Jacob sware by the fear of his father Isaac.
    
54. Then Jacob offered sacrifice upon the mount, and called his brethren to eat bread: and they did eat bread, and tarried all night in the mount.
    
55. And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them: and Laban departed, and returned unto his place.

1. Presumably Jacob is the one hearing this… the verse is somewhat unclear about all of this.
   
   
2. I can’t imagine why. Breaking an agreement will do that.
   
   
3. Just in case you weren’t certain who was the protagonist in this particular tall tale. Not a very good one though.
   
4. Sounds like a perfect place for a meeting: The middle of a field.
   
5. And you can’t come up with any reasons why you might be causing some trouble here?
   
   
6. Yes, but you did decide to negotiate to shorten this.
   
7. Technically, you never agreed to any wages. The fact that Laban considered it at all shows that he’s a nice guy.
   
8. Perhaps he saw through your attempted pagan ritual to get all of a certain patterned to be born so you could take everything? Rather than blaming him for your idiocy, why not finish off your servitude?
   
9. No. You are going to take away cattle and leave with your agreement unfulfilled.
   
10. Oh look, a vision! I’ve never heard of a vision being used to justify doing stupid things before. Hopefully you were able to catch the sarcasm in that sentence, there was a lot of it.
    
11. Once again, just in case you weren’t sure who you were supposed to be rooting for.
    
12. Sounds like Jacob is really hamming it up for this vision.
    
    
    
13. Man, god really likes to tell people to move to other lands, doesn’t he? Also, if Jacob returns now, won’t Esau still be wanting to kill him? We can’t forget that plot hook, can we?
    
14. They’re planning on leaving, so they want to take more things from Laban than just the flock?
    
15. Yes, he sold you to Jacob. Not cool. This just goes to show that the bible is not a good source of morals. Selling women is ok
    
16. AKA: You know that god fellow you just mentioned? It sounds like it’s his fault that we don’t have anything that we can inherit from our father.
    
17. Sounds like he’s worried he’ll be stopped if he doesn’t leave at once.
    
18. Presumably this doesn’t literally mean he carried all his cattle. That does make for an amusing mental image though…
    
    
    
19. This verse comes out of left field and tries to sell itself off as a valid plot point or something.
    
20. Jacob literally steals a bunch of cattle ans such and then runs away. I wouldn’t tell anyone about that either.
    
21. AKA: I gotta head towards this mountain if I’m supposed to be safe.
    
    
22. Why did anyone wait this long? Is it hard to tell that a bunch of cattle are missing?
    
23. Because we gotta fit the number 7 in here somewhere. Presumably they catch up because they don’t have cattle with them.
    
24. Note how Laban is referred to now: “The Syrian”. It sounds like the writers didn’t like Syrians much, and they’re trying to vilify them, and Laban, now.
    
25. Everyone is at the mountain now apparently and just pitching tents everywhere.
    
    
26. Good question. Why would Jacob, who was negotiating for a shorter servitude time, want to leave in the night secretly? I can’t think of any reason.
    
27. This doesn’t seem like a probable thing to happen based off of last chapter where Laban had to be convinced to pay Jacob.
    
    
    
28. It never mentioned anywhere that Jacob took anyone except his wives with. What sons does Laban mean here?
    
29. Oh right, just in case that you weren’t sure if Jacob was still the protagonist. That god thing is certainly a handy narrative plot device.
    
30. Overall, this guy is being pretty reasonable about this all. I bet he’ll just give it all anyways, just like the kings and Pharaohs before him.
    
31. One, maybe, but both? You were given one for your work already.
    
    
    
32. That seems a bit harsh.
    
    
    
    
    
33. Presumably this is everyone traveling with Jacob too.
    
    
    
    
34. Oh clever you.
    
    
    
    
35. That’s not suspicious at all.
    
    
    
    
    
36. Suddenly Jacob gets angry… after being terrified that Laban wouldn’t let him go.
    
    
    
    
37. Technically, all the stuff there is Laban’s. This glosses over the fact that Jacob literally stole all this stuff from Laban. All Laban wanted was his pictures.
    
    
38. This verse is false if we are to believe the previous chapter.
    
    
    
39. He really should have. It wasn’t his flock or herd.
    
    
    
40. AKA: I worked long and hard.
    
    
    
41. Nope. Jacob showed up, pledged 7 years of his life away, got the wrong woman, pledged another 7 years, and left early. Did this author even read chapter 30?
    
    
42. AKA: I can take a bunch of your stuff because god is on my side. Stealing is morally correct if you’re stealing because god told you to, kids!
    
    
    
43. This sounds like Laban is taking all this pretty reasonably. Having someone tell me they stole a bunch of stuff and it’s theirs now because god said so would result in an immediate phone call to the police. Or a mental institution.
    
    
44. No! Don’t do it, Laban! This is just a terrible idea!
    
    
45. Presumably a large stone.
    
    
46. What “brethren”? There should only be his wives and children there.
    
    
47. What is with this naming every little inconsequential thing obsession?
    
48. I’m pretty sure a heap of rocks is not an admissible witness in a court of law. Don’t quote me on that one though.
    
49. Presumably this is supposed to mean something and be symbolic.
    
    
50. What about the servant women this guy already had many children with?
    
    
    
51. Are they seriously about to repeat things?
    
    
    
52. Perhaps instead of making empty words over a random stone pillar, they should make them over a decent meal?
    
    
53. Jacob doesn’t swear by god though… Is he an agnostic after everything he’s just been through?
    
    
54. What else will you do all night?
    
    
    
    
55. There is no reason for this entire chapter. The authors clearly couldn’t keep their story straight. I’ve improvised entire tabletop game campaigns with a better plot and less confusion in them than Genesis so far.

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 29

Genesis annotated: Chapter 31

1. And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.
   
2. And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?
   
3. And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.
   
4. And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.
   
5. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.
   
6. And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.
   
7. And Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.
   
8. And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.
   
9. When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.
   
10.  And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a son.
    
11. And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.
    
12. And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a second son.
    
13. And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.
    
14. And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son’s mandrakes.
    
15. And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son’s mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.
    
16. And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.
    
17. And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.
    
18. And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.
    
19. And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.
    
20. And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.
    
21. And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.
    
22. And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.
    
23. And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:
    
24. And she called his name Joseph; and said, The Lord shall add to me another son.
    
25. And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.
    
26. Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.
    
27. And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the Lord hath blessed me for thy sake.
    
28. And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.
    
29. And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.
    
30. For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the Lord hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?
    
31. And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock.
    
32. I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.
    
33. So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.
    
34. And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.
    
35. And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.
    
36. And he set three days’ journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban’s flocks.
    
37. And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.
    
38. And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.
    
39. And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.
    
40. And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban’s cattle.
    
41. And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.
    
42. But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban’s, and the stronger Jacob’s.
    
43. And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.

1. Wouldn’t a kind and benevolent god realize that being a dick and causing her not to have children would cause strife?
   
   
2. AKA: Stop being melodramatic, I’m not the problem here.
   I only wish he actually mentioned that god is a dick for doing this.
   
3. There’s no way that this could ever go wrong. Haven’t we seen this before with AbramHam and an Egyptian servant?
   
4. I’m all for doing whoever if your wife is ok with it, but the reasons here aren’t good.
   
5. Technically, shouldn’t this mean he has 3 wives now?
   
6. This isn’t really Rachel’s child though.
   
   
   
   
7. They’re popping out like crazy. This is at least 2 years then?
   
8. What sort of twisted logic does it take to claim “My husband had a child with my maid… victory!!!”
   
9. WTF? Why? Are they in a competition to see how many women they can get him to sleep with now?
   
10. This is just getting stupid now
    
11. We get an entire verse dedicated to naming a kid. Great.
    
12. Get on with it already… just say he had <number> amount of kids
    
13. Why must we be treated to narrative pacing that inflates readtime? Did youtube’s algorithm write this?
    
14. Why does she want mandrakes? Were they thought to have magical healing properties at the time? Or perhaps paralyzing properties? Or some other superstitious nonsense?
    
15. This is rich: Leah, who married Jacob because of a trick her father played, blames Rachel for stealing her husband, who wanted to marry Rachel, not Leah. Is this why people defending the bible reason so strangely?
    
16. Presumably Rachel gave her husband a night of passion with his other wife for a few mandrakes. The question still remains, why? There is nothing special about mandrakes that I know of.
    
17. Good grief man, get off that woman already, you have way to many children!
    
18. Stop wasting our time with entire verses dedicated to naming all these kids already. I guarantee they don’t really matter later.
    
19. …Not again…
    
    
20. Stop it. This is becoming more annoying to read than this one book series about a gay sword magician I tried reading once. I only gave that book 2 chapters.
    
21. This is at least a bit shorter. Still, I don’t care how many kids this idiot has.
    
22. Oh look, now it’s probably time to repeat all the above, but with rachel this time.
    
23. Why praise god for removing a blockage that he caused?
    
24. We must be getting close to Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat time.
    
25. Presumably Laban gave Rachel over to Jacob before the (second) 7 years of servitude were up? Isn’t this exactly why you wouldn’t do that?
    
26. Presumably you haven’t fulfilled your end of the agreement. There’s no reason to get annoyed at Laban due to your choice to be in servitude.
    
27. I can agree with the call to stay, but Laban really should be pointing out that Jacob agreed to this without any pushing from Laban.
    
28. That wasn’t part of the agreement. The payment asked for was Rachel.
    
29. Presumably Jacob to Laban here, because this makes no sense otherwise. This narrative is terribly structured.
    
30. Did one guy really work so hard that he managed to outperform everyone else? This sounds like he’s taking credit for everyone else’s work here. Any probably getting away with it.
    
31. Didn’t Jacob demand payment a little bit ago? Laban seems to be having trouble remembering things in his (presumably) old age.
    
32. After just saying “Pay me. No wait give me nothing”, Jacob now demands to be given a presumably large amount of cattle, sheep, and goats. Because he has main character powers, we know that he’s going to get away with it.
    
33. This is presented as a fair trade… it’s really not. It’s basically Jacob bitching by saying “I’ll take a lot of your stuff, my kids, and your daughters who are my wives because I worked for you to get a wife.” Why would Laban agree?
    
34. No, you fool, there is literally no reason for you to do this.
    
35. This tale is one huge narrative mess. It’s almost like there were three conflicting accounts that the author(s) tried to smash together into one mess. Like any time someone smashes things together, the mess really shows through.
    
36. Isn’t this very reminiscent of the tale of AbramHam and his brother? Sounds like Jacob is a retelling of AbramHams story.
    
37. This is incredibly specific. We really don’t care nor need to know any of this stuff though. Just say “Jacob fashioned some rods”.
    
38. Jacob believes that what the sheep see when they conceive (presumably while drinking) will change something? That does absolutely nothing. He’s mad if he thinks it will.
    
39. But why? There is no reason to do any of this. It is needlessly complicated and accomplishes nothing.
    
40. At least he’s honoring the incredibly one-sided agreement that Laban agreed to for some reason… I’m really not sure why Laban would have done so. This almost sounds like he’s doing a slow/long term cattle rustling operation.
    
41. The bibles says that the area a flock gives birth in changes coat coloration. The bible is clearly not a good source of information. What sort of pagan ritual is this, and why would Jacob try it?
    
42. Sounds like Jacob is doing anything that he can do sneakily to ruin Laban after Jacob leaves.
    
43. This sounds like the start of AbramHam’s journey too where he suddenly became super rich.