Chapter Overview
Sarai, realizing that she hasn’t had a single kid in the last 65 years, decides that it’s best if Abram gets it on with her hot handmaiden Hagar from Egypt. So they get it on, and Hagar is pregnant. Being the kind and benevolent sort, Sarai beats Hagar for doing what she was probably ordered to do so badly that Hagar runs away.
Did I say kind and benevolent? I meant vindictive and malevolent. Easy mistake to make with this book.
An angel shows up, tells Hagar to get back to the person who just beat her and that her son will be quite crazy, and leaves. Hagar returns and has the kid.
Additional Thoughts
It’s unclear if the Angel that shows up is trying to give comfort to Hagar, or simply there to deliver a curse. Given how much goes into raising children, being told you’ll have a lot of children seems like a curse. Especially when you’ve already been informed that your first kid is going to be so unruly that he’s going to be fighting everything.
Scientific/Logical Mistakes in This Chapter
Not much in this one besides the always present magic/gods/angels problem since it mainly deals with personal drama.
- There is an angel making promises on behalf of god. Are these promises even binding?
Chapter 16: Sarai’s Problem
AKA: Honey, I Can’t Have Kids. Do a Slave Instead
| 1. Now Sarai Abram’s wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. | I presume they got this handmaiden from the Pharaoh back when they sidequested through Egypt. |
| 2. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. | I can’t have children, so have children with someone else who is not your wife? This is the kind of sound advice we can find in the bible. Abram must have said “Sure, I’ll bang your hot, foreign handmaiden!” |
| 3. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. | And the bible takes another stab at showing just how great polygamy is. Presumably Abram has two wives now. |
| 4. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. | So Hagar looks down on Sarai because Hagar has a kid after having a tumble she never asked for with a guy she might not like? |
| 5. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. | “Oops, my bad. I didn’t mean for you to actually have a child with someone else, especially when she thinks she’s better than I am now.” Why is she jealous when Abram and Hagar did what she told them? |
| 6. But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. | Abram is a dick as well. He knows full well that Sarai wasn’t terribly happy with Hagar (despite her doing as ordered), so what kind of response was expected here? A hug? |
| 7. And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. | Angels are following Hagar around now? Must be because Hagar has Chosen One Seed within her. |
| 8. And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai. | An Angel can be forgiven for not being omnipotent at least. Still seems like it’s pretty obvious why she’s running for her life. |
| 9. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. | AKA: Go back to your owner, slave. Sure, she beat you, but I’m sure she cares about you. |
| 10. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude. | Can an angel really do this? Making promises seems to be a god thing, not an angel thing. |
| 11. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the Lord hath heard thy affliction. | |
| 12. And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man’s hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren. | This sounds like it would be a great comfort to the soon-to-be mother. “Your son will be somewhat insane and everyone will fight with him.” |
| 13. And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me? | This… doesn’t really seem to make any sense no matter which way I slice and dice it. Things like this show how terrible the KJV of the bible really is. The NIV shows that she is making some statement about/to god, but it’s still quite inane. |
| 14. Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered. | This really doesn’t matter. |
| 15. And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son’s name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael. | |
| 16. And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram. | He’s not 120 quite yet. We’ll see if he makes it… |