Month: June 2020

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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 16

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 15

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 17

Chapter Overview

Sarai, realizing that she hasn’t had a single kid in the last 65 years, decides that it’s best if Abram gets it on with her hot handmaiden Hagar from Egypt. So they get it on, and Hagar is pregnant. Being the kind and benevolent sort, Sarai beats Hagar for doing what she was probably ordered to do so badly that Hagar runs away.

Did I say kind and benevolent? I meant vindictive and malevolent. Easy mistake to make with this book.

An angel shows up, tells Hagar to get back to the person who just beat her and that her son will be quite crazy, and leaves. Hagar returns and has the kid.

Additional Thoughts

It’s unclear if the Angel that shows up is trying to give comfort to Hagar, or simply there to deliver a curse. Given how much goes into raising children, being told you’ll have a lot of children seems like a curse. Especially when you’ve already been informed that your first kid is going to be so unruly that he’s going to be fighting everything.

Scientific/Logical Mistakes in This Chapter

Not much in this one besides the always present magic/gods/angels problem since it mainly deals with personal drama.

  1. There is an angel making promises on behalf of god. Are these promises even binding?

Chapter 16: Sarai’s Problem
AKA: Honey, I Can’t Have Kids. Do a Slave Instead

1. Now Sarai Abram’s wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.I presume they got this handmaiden from the Pharaoh back when they sidequested through Egypt.
2. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.I can’t have children, so have children with someone else who is not your wife? This is the kind of sound advice we can find in the bible. Abram must have said “Sure, I’ll bang your hot, foreign handmaiden!”
3. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.And the bible takes another stab at showing just how great polygamy is. Presumably Abram has two wives now.
4. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.So Hagar looks down on Sarai because Hagar has a kid after having a tumble she never asked for with a guy she might not like?
5. And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee.“Oops, my bad. I didn’t mean for you to actually have a child with someone else, especially when she thinks she’s better than I am now.” Why is she jealous when Abram and Hagar did what she told them?
6. But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.Abram is a dick as well. He knows full well that Sarai wasn’t terribly happy with Hagar (despite her doing as ordered), so what kind of response was expected here? A hug?
7. And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.Angels are following Hagar around now? Must be because Hagar has Chosen One Seed within her.
8. And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.An Angel can be forgiven for not being omnipotent at least. Still seems like it’s pretty obvious why she’s running for her life.
9. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.AKA: Go back to your owner, slave. Sure, she beat you, but I’m sure she cares about you.
10. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.Can an angel really do this? Making promises seems to be a god thing, not an angel thing.
11. And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the Lord hath heard thy affliction.
12. And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man’s hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.This sounds like it would be a great comfort to the soon-to-be mother. “Your son will be somewhat insane and everyone will fight with him.”
13. And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?This… doesn’t really seem to make any sense no matter which way I slice and dice it. Things like this show how terrible the KJV of the bible really is.
The NIV shows that she is making some statement about/to god, but it’s still quite inane.
14. Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.This really doesn’t matter.
15. And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son’s name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael.
16. And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.He’s not 120 quite yet. We’ll see if he makes it…
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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 15

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 14

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 16

Chapter Overview

The covenant to Abram is repeated again in this chapter, this time with stars rather than dust. Abram asks about who is going to be inheriting his stuff and is told he’ll be having a child at some point. Abram then asks how he knows he can trust that this will happen, and god, presumably getting huffy, tells Abram that sometime down the line, his offspring are going to spend 400 years in slavery.

Additional Thoughts

This chapter has more repetitions in it, such as repeating the covenant to Abram again. This time it uses the stars in the sky rather than the dust analogy. Given that this repeats similar things to chapter 13, I suspect this has a different author and that this would really be better organized closer to (or rather than) chapter 13.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. The amount of children promised to Abram is quite different (Genesis 15:5 vs 13:16)
  2. Is god SO forgettable since so many other gods are running around that everyone forgets the things he did? God is always reminding people about this stuff. (Genesis 15:7)
  3. God’s promise is VERY convoluted and strange. Why subject everyone to slavery for 400 years? Wouldn’t it be easier to just give this to Abram, no strings attached? (Genesis 15:13)
  4. God promises slavery and then promises to punish the nation that enslaves everyone. Why not just skip the slavery? If we take god to be powerful enough to grant everything here, then god is the direct cause of the slavery through a nation. It sounds like god needs to be punished instead (Genesis 15:14)
  5. Why does god need to punish the Amorites? Wouldn’t a loving god take corrective steps now to prevent needing to punish in the future? (Genesis 15:16)
  6. Abram fell asleep. Why assume this was a vision? Because the bible says so? (Genesis 15:17)

Chapter 15: Abram Questions God

1. After these things the word of the Lord came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.What things? There was no mention of god taking part in the last chapter. This seems to be here just to reinforce how amazingly awesome we’re supposed to find Abram.
2. And Abram said, Lord God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?
3. And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.
4. And, behold, the word of the Lord came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.Hopefully this phrase isn’t meant literally… having a baby come forth from a man’s bowels sounds like quite a painful experience.
5. And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be.I’m pretty sure that the grains of dust from a chapter 13 have a far different number than the amount of stars in the sky. Just a guess though.
6. And he believed in the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness.Because we need to be reminded that believing in god is good.
7. And he said unto him, I am the Lord that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it.It seems like god has to continually remind people who he is. This could make sense if this was a polytheistic faith at the time….
8. And he said, Lord God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it?Asking for evidence? This doesn’t sound like he believes god very much.
9. And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.Go grab a bunch of animals. Never mind the fact that I could (in theory) just create a bunch for us to use here. It’s more pleasing if they’re natural.
10. And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not.That sounds pretty messy. Are there just animal carcasses lying around?
11. And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away.Sounds like they’re just lying around. That’s gotta stink.
12. And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him.Maybe god should give him a nightlight and a good security blanket?
13. And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years;This sounds more like a threat rather than what Abram was asking for, ie, evidence that he’s the chosen one. Why subject everyone to slavery for 400 years?
14. And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance.See point 3 above. Also, this seems ambiguous. Who will come out with great substance, the nation, or the people?
15. And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age.You’ll die peacefully. Presumably in accordance with Genesis 6:3, right?
16. But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.But your children are just going to be the worst.
17. And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces.Why assume it was a vision? It was probably just a dream. We have no evidence that visions are real.
18. In the same day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates:Haven’t we been over this covenant several times now?
19. The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,These people are going to be subservient to you
20. And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims,
21. And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.
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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 14

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 13

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 15

Chapter Overview

There’s a huge war that’s been going on. Sodom gets sacked and Lot gets yoinked up from a life there. Someone tells Abram about all this, he assembles a small slave army to fight the armies of several combined nations. Unsurprisingly, because this is a tale about Abram and he’s the “good guy”, he somehow prevails and brings back all the things as plunder.

Additional Notes

This chapter is just as weird as the previous one. Here’s why

  • Abram is suddenly a warrior badass who slaughters everything rather than a wimp who pretends that his wife is single to avoid being killed.
  • There’s a huge war on and everyone can’t seem to get in enough killing.
  • Lot, who was living on the plains outside of Sodom, is suddenly kidnapped when the city of Sodom is sacked.
  • Abram and 318 slaves are able to complete wipe out several armies from invading nations.

One could try argue that people do get punished for the killing because Abram kills everyone who was part of the invading army. To that I say no. Abram’s only reason to go take on the armies of several nations was to save Lot, not to exact punishment. Besides, if Abram goes and kills them, shouldn’t he then be punished in return?

Like in previous chapters, this seems to be a tale that was passed down about some guy who was just the best and then codified into a tale about Abram at a later point.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. No punishment levied for killing (Genesis 9:6 “Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed…”)
  2. Abram is suddenly a warrior badass unlike in Genesis 12
  3. While 318 slaves is a fair sized gathering, I’m not sure that’s enough to kill several armies from other nations. Your arm would start to go numb at SOME point after all that hacking.
  4. Sodom’s king makes a post-mortem appearance to greet Abram (Genesis 14:10,17,21)

Chapter 14: King Fight
AKA: Abram the Badass

1. And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;New nations and people are suddenly cropping up left and right for us to keep track of.
2. That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.People fighting people. How original. Are any of them going to get punished like Genesis 9:6 implies? Note: The occurrence of this war is heavily disputed.
3. All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.Possibly near the dead sea?
4. Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.
5. And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim,Rebellion gets quashed after 1 year of fighting when Chedorlaomer got tired of it and decided to get serious.
6. And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.Quite a lot of smoting going on here
7. And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.Sounds like they really decided to go ham on the killing. Any mentions of punitive actions against them by god for all this killing?
8. And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;Even more people decide to join the fight.
9. With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.With 5 what?
10. And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.So Sodom and Gamorrah’s kings were killed.
11. And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.And the cities sacked.
12. And they took Lot, Abram’s brother’s son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.
And they took Lot. Oh horror!
13. And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.Someone who managed to escape brings word to Abram about all this going on.
14. And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan.They took Lot! The horror! Myself and 318 people are gonna go slap down the armies that were invading real quick. We’ll be back by tea time.
15. and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus.Note that this can’t really be considered punitive measures due to all the killing they did. Abram is only here for his brother.
16. And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.And they’re somehow victorious. Way to be forward thinking and lump in women separately from goods, but not in “the people”.
17. And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king’s dale.Wasn’t Sodom’s king killed in verse 10?
18. And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God.This guy is suddenly brought in with no forewarning. Just “He’s a priest, trust me” is about all we get for backstory.
19. And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:He blesses Abram. Do we see any evidence of this guy being blessed in return?
20. And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.Really going ham on the blessing here.
21. And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.What has Abram really done for these people? Killed some guys like any other soldier would?
22. And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the Lord, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,Sounds like Abram is getting to be quite full of himself. I think being told you’re god’s chosen might have that effect on a person.
23. That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:Rejecting riches because he doesn’t want the king (who died earlier) to have his ego swell to the point where it matches Abram’s?
24. Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.“I’m not taking anything. Just let the guys who came with me take something back”
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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 13

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 12

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 14

Chapter Overview

Abram leaves Egypt, apparently far richer then before, and his brother Lot suddenly appears in the story line. Abram makes some more altars and resolves some problems with too many cattle and sheep in the same area with Lot. Then he receives another promise from god and builds another altar.

Additional thoughts

Abram’s sudden wealth is crazy. If he had all this when he went down to Egypt, why would he have needed to leave due to the famine at all? That would imply that he had all this food that he could have used to help alleviate the famine, but chose not to. The alternative, that he acquired everything from the Pharaoh, is just as ludicrous. That would imply that he spent his time in Egypt pimping out Sarai to Pharaoh as hard as possible until the Pharaoh found out that she was actually Abram’s wife. And that the Pharaoh wouldn’t have said “Ya know, I’m taking that stuff back because you were lying to me”.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. Where did Lot come from? We haven’t heard that he was in Egypt till now. (Genesis 13:1)
  2. Why would the pharaoh let Abram keep all this? (Genesis 13:2)
  3. Where did the herdsmen come from? (Genesis 13:7)
  4. Earth literally couldn’t support this many humans (Genesis 13:16)
  5. Canaan was already given to Ham (Genesis 13:17)

Chapter 13: Brothers Separate

  1. And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.
  2. And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.
  3. And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;
  4. Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the Lord.
  5. And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.
  6. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.
  7. And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram’s cattle and the herdmen of Lot’s cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.
  8. And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.
  9. Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.
  10. And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.
  11. Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.
  12. Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.
  13. But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the Lord exceedingly.
  14. And the Lord said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:
  15. For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.
  16. And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.
  17. Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
  18. Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the Lord.

  1. Lot suddenly shows up here. There’s no mention of him being in Egypt in the previous chapter.
  2. Where would he have received all of this? From the Pharaoh while pimping Sarai?
  3. Also note that if he had all these cattle at the time of the famine, he preferred to leave everyone to starve rather than give up some cattle for food.
  4. I’m pretty sure he’s called on the name of the lord a few times by now. Which time are we talking?
  5. Again… why would they have all of this? Seems like a hassle.
  6. See also: Cattle and sheep probably grazed too much and started to kill off all of the grass around.

  7. Where did these herdmen come from? I thought it was just Abram and Lot?


  8. Sounds reasonable. Simply asking “Why are we fighting? Aren’t we brothers?”


  9. “Let’s just go separate ways so we don’t have to fight over resources. Our herds are so massive that we can’t have them in the same place.”

  10. See this? This is called foreshadowing kids. Keep those cities in mind for later.




  11. An amicable separation at least. Doesn’t seem like anyone lied to the other for this one to happen.
  12. Sounds like Lot has a thing for the city of Sodom.

  13. Foreshadowing! Note that it doesn’t specify WHY they are wicked
  14. So…. look all around you?




  15. Including the Jordan plain which Lot just settled on?
  16. That would be a lot of people.



  17. Again, remember that this is the land of Canaan, which technically belongs to Ham, Noah’s son.
  18. And yet another altar.

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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 12

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 11

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 13

Chapter Overview

Abram gets a command to leave his family and journey to Canaan where god tells him it’s all his. He then gets pulled off onto a sidequest when a plague breaks out and ends up angering the Pharaoh by lying to his face. The Pharaoh is a pretty chill and reasonable guy about the the whole affair and simply kicks Abram out of Egypt rather than killing him. We’re supposed to be rooting for Abram, in case you didn’t know. Not the Pharaoh who has done nothing wrong besides taking Abram’s words at face value.

Additional Thoughts

What is this chapter even trying to show? Abram takes a road trip, lies about Sarai being his wife, and angers the Pharaoh. Maybe that lying is bad? This chapter and story is a mess.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. Hearing voices is a sign of mental illness, not divine authority (Genesis 12:1-3, 7)
  2. Does this supersede Noah’s covenant? Is it a new covenant? Does the covenant made with Noah only follow through Abram’s descendants? (Genesis 12:1-3)
  3. Abram leaves twice (Genesis 12:4-5)
  4. There is no reason for the wife/sister deception. (Genesis 12:11-20)
  5. Abram should be punished, not the pharaoh (Genesis 12:17)

Chapter 12: Abram Angers the Pharaoh
AKA: The Pharaoh Makes a Solid Argument

  1. Now the Lord had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
  2. And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
  3. And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
  4. So Abram departed, as the Lord had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
  5. And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother’s son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.
  6. And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.
  7. And the Lord appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the Lord, who appeared unto him.
  8. And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the Lord, and called upon the name of the Lord.
  9. And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.
  10. And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.
  11. And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
  12. Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.
  13. Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
  14. And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.
  15. The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house.
  16. And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
  17. And the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram’s wife.
  18. And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
  19. Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
  20. And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

  1. Time for a field trip kids!



  2. Abram (Later, Abraham) is apparently going to be a very important guy. Why? Because god says so.
  3. Pro tip: You can get free blessings by blessing this guy. There doesn’t appear to be a time limit on this.
  4. Good boy Abram does as he’s told.



  5. Couldn’t this simply be verse 4? Why so much repetition? If a book is going to waste our time, can’t it at least be efficient about it?


  6. Remember: Canaanites are BAD because Ham saw his father naked that one time. That punishment really doesn’t fit the (non) crime…
  7. “Your great-great uncle Ham saw his dad naked. It’s time to up the punishment and take the land that he started away from him.”
  8. This guy really likes building altars.





  9. Not to be confused with “Journey to the West”
  10. I can only imagine him thinking “Famine? People starving? None of my business. I wonder what Egypt is up to these days… Let’s find out.”
  11. Apparently he would think so given that he decided to marry her.


  12. Based on ages, Sarai should be 70 years old at this point. She’s apparently a pretty foxy grandma-aged lady.

  13. Technically the truth: Sarai IS Abram’s sister (Genesis 20:12). Why not call the trip off instead of doing this though?
  14. She’s too hawt for the Egyptians to handle apparently.

  15. And now she’s added to that Pharaoh’s GILF list.

  16. So Abram and Sarai get the royal treatment simply because Sarai is such a looker and (presumably) getting it on with the Pharaoh?
  17. But why? The Pharaoh has literally no idea that anything bad has happened. Maybe send these plagues to harass Abram?
  18. Seems like a pretty measured and reasonable response for a guy who has been lied to for an undetermined amount of time.
  19. AKA: Get out of my sight. I don’t tolerate people who lie to my face, especially when it causes plagues of unspecified to happen because I didn’t have all the information.
  20. Pretty reasonable response all things considered. The Pharaoh is kinda the good guy in this story.

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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 11

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 10

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 12

Chapter Overview

Chapter 11 introduces the Tower of Babel and a time that all languages were supposedly the same. God decides that people working together is a bad thing, because they might accomplish something awesome, and he goes down to make everyone start speaking different languages.

Additional Thoughts

Genesis 10:5, 10:20, and 10:31 all specify that different languages (aka: tongues) exist. In all likelihood, this is a story that was brought in from another source and then given a tie-in with Noah to try make it seem authentic. Unfortunately, chapter 10 states that different languages already exist. Too many “if-s” have to be taken into account to give this a reason to exist in this text.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. Contradicts chapter 10 claiming that multiple languages exist (Genesis 11:1)
  2. Languages have evolved over time and can be traced back to see how related they are to one another. An event such as this would have no such indicators (Genesis 11:7-9)
  3. According to Genesis 6:3, 120 should be the max age (Genesis 11:12,13,15,16,19,21,23,24,32)
  4. Does not line up with other Genesis 10 genealogies (Genesis 11:13,15,17,18)

Chapter 11: The tower of babel
AKA: God introduces barriers to collaboration

  1. And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.
  2. And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there.
  3. And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter.
  4. And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.
  5. And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.
  6. And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.
  7. Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.
  8. So the Lord scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.
  9. Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.
  10. These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:
  11. And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
  12. And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:
  13. And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.
  14. And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber:
  15. And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.
  16. And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg:
  17. And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.
  18. And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu:
  19. And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters.
  20. And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug:
  21. And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters.
  22. And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor:
  23. And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
  24. And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah:
  25. And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.
  26. And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran.
  27. Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot.
  28. And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.
  29. And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram’s wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor’s wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.
  30. But Sarai was barren; she had no child.
  31. And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son’s son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram’s wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there.
  32. And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran.

  1. A reading of chapter 10:5, 10:20, and 10:31 suggests otherwise
  2. Who? They? Who is they? Noah? Some of his sons?

  3. Is slime a good mortar? I really don’t know. I would suspect not though. Mortar needs something to harden, and random slime probably won’t cut it.
  4. I hope there aren’t any drastic consequences for actions of great hubris. <sarcasm>We’ve never seen anything like consequences for hubris in any other mythologies before. </sarcasm>
  5. He couldn’t just observe this from on high? Or just know that it’s been made? Again, no omniscience. That was fabricated later.
  6. Oh no, people can communicate effectively and this could enable them to accomplish things.


  7. Seems like a dick move to me.
    the “us” seems to indicate that this was a polytheistic religion at the time.
  8. Why are claims of languages evolving naturally over time met with less resistance than species evolution?
  9. So… god doesn’t want people working together and able to communicate in peace. Why is this a good thing? Thank goodness for google translate nowadays.

  10. Boring genealogy alert. Note the ages though. Genesis 6:3 says they should be 120 years max. 1 kiddo.
  11. How many? Nobody knows. Why? Because genealogies really don’t matter.

  12. Lines up with chapter 10 so far

  13. No. Read chapter 10. He had 1 kid: Salah. It’s almost like these genealogies were made up to support a tale or something.
  14. mmkay.

  15. No. Genesis 10:25 shows 2 sons. No daughters. Either one chapter is right, or both are wrong.
  16. He didn’t get the memo from Genesis 6:3 either.
  17. No. Chapter 10 shows 2 sons only. Maybe chapter 10 was worth reading after all, boring as it was.
  18. This child is new and isn’t in chapter 10
  19. 120 years as a maximum age anyone? Anyone? No?

  20. mmkay

  21. Plot demands that these people are able to live longer than the 120 year maximum. Buy why?
  22. next

  23. Older than 120 years again. Either god can’t enforce an age limit, or these people just said no to it.
  24. Below 120…. but only for this verse

  25. This would put him at 148. Still above 120 as a maximum age.

  26. We’re starting to see a few characters that will show up later now.
  27. Lot and Abram will show up later. Keep an eye on them.

  28. His daughter, brought up next verse, must not be important enough to the writer to record anywhere except as a wife.
  29. So… we have Nahor, who is Haran’s brother, marrying Haran’s daughter. Marrying your siblings children is A-OK according to this text. This can cause some genetic problems as we know today.
  30. 0 kiddos.
  31. Everyone gets to go on a field trip.





  32. Again…. 120 max age memo was missed.

Additional Notes

There is a VERY similar story from Sumeria that describes a “confusion of tongues” involving the construction of temples. Read about it on wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enmerkar_and_the_Lord_of_Aratta

Also, fun fact: There MIGHT be a VERY small kernel of truth to the story of the tower of babel, but not in the way that biblically-minded people might expect. See here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tower_of_Babel#Etemenanki,_the_ziggurat_at_Babylon


To briefly explain, Babel, short for Babylon, started construction of a large tower in honor of the god Marduk. When King Nabopolassar started the tower, Babylon’s writing system (Cuneiform) was still in use. Schools taught children how to read and write it, and the ability to transfer information allowed Babylon to better manage itself as a civilization.

After Nebuchadnezzar’s death, the construction was halted and the civilization saw a decline in education, leading to the loss of knowledge of it’s writing system. This loss of knowledge kept anyone from being able to read the Cuneiform tablets, and after several generations, no one knew what Cuneiform was anymore. Thus, people couldn’t communicate as effectively anymore.

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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 10

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 9

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 11

Chapter Overview

Genealogies upon genealogies. This can mostly be skipped. It seems like the author (or one of several authors) really liked the number 7. Funnily enough, the author’s desire to show everything coming out as 7 extends to showing children from additional 3 generations down rather than just 2. It looks like they realized that trying to show a specific number of children was pointless later on.

Additional thoughts

Just skip this chapter. It’s not really worth reading. The only real thing of note is the mention of different tongues existing. This is contradicted in the next chapter.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. The next chapter contradicts this one. Multiple languages exist here. In chapter 11, everyone speaks the same language (Genesis 10:6)

Chapter 10: Boring Genealogies

  1. Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood.
  2. The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras.
  3. And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah.
  4. And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.
  5. By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations.
  6. And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan.
  7. And the sons of Cush; Seba, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtechah: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan.
  8. And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth.
  9. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord.
  10. And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar.
  11. Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah,
  12. And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city.
  13. And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim,
  14. And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim.
  15. And Canaan begat Sidon his first born, and Heth,
  16. And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite,
  17. And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite,
  18. And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad.
  19. And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha.
  20. These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations.
  21. Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born.
  22. The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram.
  23. And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash.
  24. And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber.
  25. And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother’s name was Joktan.
  26. And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah,
  27. And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah,
  28. And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba,
  29. And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan.
  30. And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east.
  31. These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations.
  32. These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.

  1. Looks like we get more genealogies. This book really likes it’s genealogies.

  2. 7 kiddos


  3. 3 kiddos

  4. 4 kiddos. Added to the previous verse, 7.

  5. So… different languages exist? I thought the tower of babel was supposed to have been the thing messing this up.
  6. 4 kiddos

  7. 5 kiddos and 2 kiddos. AKA: 7. This author likes the number 7.


  8. 1 kiddo.

  9. I’ve literally never head this said. I have called people nimrods as an insult though.

  10. Taking a break from genealogies to show just how cool this guy is. Get him some sunglasses.
  11. Cool cities I’m sure… but why mention it here?

  12. An uber cool city between 2 others

  13. 4 kiddos. Add to the next verse for a surprise number! You’ll never guess it!
  14. 3 kiddos. Note the total of 7 again by the mangling of the genealogy.
  15. 2 kiddos

  16. 3 kiddos

  17. 3 kiddos. Finally some deviation from the number 7.
  18. 3 kiddos


  19. Sounds like the canaanites are supposed to be seen as “unclean” due to the inclusion of Sodom and Gamorrah here.

  20. Again… I thought languages weren’t supposed to have existed yet?

  21. Get to the point already you meandering poet. This is a genealogy and you mentioned him earlier.
  22. 5 kiddos

  23. 4 kiddos

  24. 1 kiddo and 1 kiddo

  25. 2 kiddos. Why is Peleg given extra attention here? What earth division?


  26. 4 kiddos

  27. 3 kiddos
  28. 3 kiddos
  29. 3 kiddos. Redundancy included for great effect.
  30. This doesn’t seem particularly relevant to anything nowadays.

  31. You already told us this. Why is this so repetitious? Does the author just like to write?
  32. AKA: Genesis 10:1 with a few more words.

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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 9

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 8

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 10

Chapter Overview

God gets really worried about humans dying out (thanks to someone killing off almost everything) and tells everyone to get their jiggy on and start multiplying asap. So much so that he repeats it twice here. Noah is then seen sleeping drunk and naked by his son. Noah, somehow, knows exactly who saw him asleep and naked, and promptly drops a curse on Ham because seeing others naked is bad for some reason.

Additional thoughts

I’m really not sure why this has pushed such an anti-nudity agenda this whole time. Did the author really hate his body or something? There’s nothing inherently wrong with being naked. If there were, we’d be committing crimes every time we take a shower.

The whole Clean vs Unclean animals thing (which was dropped from this chapter) is a good indicator that this was compiled much much later rather than a faithful retelling of actual history. Clean vs Unclean animals aren’t explained until way later on.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. If this happened, there would be genetic evidence of a huge population bottleneck and genetic diseases would be very common. (Genesis 2 – Genesis 9)
  2. Repeats Genesis 1:28 (Genesis 9:1, 9:7)
  3. Animals evolved to fear humanity. Those staying far away from humans lived the longest (Genesis 9:2)
  4. Many people kill other people and don’t die from other humans (Genesis 9:6)
  5. This covenant has already been made (Genesis 9:1, Genesis 6:18)
  6. Rainbows are a naturally explainable phenomenon, not magic (Genesis 9:13)
  7. Many clouds don’t have rainbows (Genesis 9:14)
  8. All plant life would have died too, finding seeds would be impossible (Genesis 9:20)

Chapter 9: Honey, everyone’s dead. Let’s have kids!
AKA: Now you see me, now you’re cursed.

  1. And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.
  2. And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.
  3. Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
  4. But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.
  5. And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man’s brother will I require the life of man.
  6. Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.
  7. And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.
  8. And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,
  9. And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
  10. And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.
  11. And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
  12. And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
  13. I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.
  14. And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:
  15. And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
  16. And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.
  17. And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.
  18. And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.
  19. These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.
  20. And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:
  21. And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.
  22. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
  23. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father’s nakedness.
  24. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.
  25. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.
  26. And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
  27. God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
  28. And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.
  29. And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.
  1. Didn’t all humans already have this blessing/command since Genesis 1:28?

  2. So this is why animals are scared of us. And here I always thought it was because we hunt and kill things down crazy fast. Silly me. Animals in remote locations haven’t gotten the memo though… strange…

  3. Was everyone Vegan before now? Drops the clean/unclean distinction here too.

  4. Tribal societies who thrive on drinking lots of blood would like to disagree.
  5. At least he gives out a few rules this time instead of letting them run free without guidance.


  6. So… is he going to punish Solomon? David? A lot of men kill men on god’s orders. Punish them! God also kills a lot of men.
  7. Genesis 1:28 redux, because it wasn’t already clear enough.

  8. Ok. Speak already.

  9. I though this already happened in Genesis 6:18
  10. So god values non-human lives too, apparently.


  11. No killing everyone with a flood and no flooding the entire earth again. That leaves a LOT of other ways to kill everything.

  12. Definitely values animals too. They’re in on this covenent.


  13. Rainbows have always been a thing. They happen due to how light travels through water in the air. Can we get a real symbol?
  14. I’ve seen plenty of clouds without rainbows.

  15. Why does god need a symbol to remember this? Is he getting some Alzheimer’s in his old age? More proof that omnipotence was never intended to be a thing?
  16. It looks like this symbol is more for god’s sake than mans. Also, the rainbow is not in the cloud.


  17. Not plants or sea creatures though. They apparently don’t matter here.


  18. Check out Joshua for how being a Canaanite pans out. Hint: It’s not good.

  19. At least this time there’s more than one woman.
  20. Where did he get these seeds? All plantlife should have died.
  21. First mention of complete drunkenness in the bible.
  22. Sounds like he wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe just cover him up? Draw a face with his dick for a nose?
  23. Seriously, why are these people so ashamed of being naked? It’s almost like this entire narrative was written by someone who has severe body dysmorphia issues.

  24. How did he know and what did he think he did… covered him up?
  25. Curses his own son for getting people to cover him up. Some gratitude.
  26. Why? He wouldn’t know who covered him up. He was asleep.
  27. See notes for 25 and 26


  28. We get it, we get it. He’s old.

  29. AKA 79 years if lunar months. If not, remember 120 years from Gen 6:3?

Additional notes

The explanation for a rainbow being god’s symbol of “not going to destroy the earth by flooding” is a pre-scientific attempt at explaining where rainbows come from. Water in the atmosphere will cause rainbows due to how light refracts through it, not that the writer at the time would have known this. That’s quite an opportunity god missed to impart some universal truth that would lend some credence to this book. It’s almost like this was written by people who were just making stuff up to try explain things about the world around them.

It’s weird that Noah, the guy who was good enough to be saved from the flood, becomes an alcoholic here. Especially when alcoholism to the point of drunkenness becomes looked down upon later.

Ham seeing his father naked is met with a unilaterally terrible response that will lead to the deaths of thousands of people. All because Noah is a pretentious prick who has no chill. Then again, the primary father figure in the bible so far has been just as much lacking in chill. Maybe it’s a learned behaviour?

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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 8

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 7

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 9

Chapter 8 overview

God kills everything except for Noah on his magic boat of infinite storage, infinite oxygen supply, infinite food, infinite…. etc. Somehow this doesn’t end up killing the plants, so a dove brings back an olive branch and Noah happily leaves the ark. And then promptly starts sacrificing the animals he kept with him. Now we know why we don’t have unicorns…

Additional thoughts

This flood should have killed off everything on the planet. Aquatic life would die when saline content gets messed up (too much freshwater or too much saltwater), plants would die when their roots are smothered with far too much water (or the water gets too salty/too fresh), animals would die because they can’t swim for 150 days, and Noah should die because there’s no way to store that much food on a tiny boat. All the animals on his boat should be dead due to problems with ventilation and airflow, and even barring that, all the herbivores should be dead from needing to feed Noah’s carnivores. At which point the carnivores would die because they would have to eat themselves or Noah and his family.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. References an outdated model of the world (Genesis 8:2)
  2. References an outdated model of how rain happens (Genesis 8:2)
  3. Inconsistent flood duration (Genesis 7:17, 7:24, 8:2)
  4. A worldwide flood would have nowhere for the water to go (Genesis 8:3)
  5. No evidence of this boat on a mountain has been found (Genesis 8:4)
  6. Noah would need food during this time(Genesis 8:5)
  7. Was this window always closed? Everyone would suffocate (Genesis 8:6)
  8. The raven never returned. By his logic, everything is dried up already (Genesis 8:7)
  9. Sends out multiple birds for some reason (Genesis 8:8)
  10. Had the water dried up, or was it still there? (Genesis 8:7, 8:9, 8:11, 8:13, 8:14)
  11. There should be no life on the planet after such a flood (Genesis 8:11)
  12. We should have no doves on the earth then (Genesis 8:12)
  13. We should have no “clean animals” on earth after the sacrifices (Genesis 8:20)
  14. God kills for being evil, but then decides to not kill due to evil? (Genesis 8:21)

Chapter 8: Drowning in the Flood (Excellent song by Haken)
AKA: Genocide part 2: Aquatic boogaloo.

  1. And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
  2. The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
  3. And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
  4. And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
  5. And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
  6. And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:

  7. And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
  8. Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
  9. But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
  10. And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
  11. And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
  12. And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
  13. And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
  14. And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
  15. And God spake unto Noah, saying,
  16. Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives with thee.
  17. Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
  18. And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him:
  19. Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
  20. And Noah builded an altar unto the Lord; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
  21. And the Lord smelled a sweet savour; and the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
  22. While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
  1. It would be kind of shocking if god had forgotten about Noah, the only human on the earth at this point. Maybe god isn’t omniscient if he could forget about things?

  2. Referencing an outdated model of the world and how rain happens. Implies it rained for 151 days instead of 40?
  3. Where would this water have gone to? A worldwide flood would have no place for water to go.

  4. No evidence for a large boat on a mountain has ever been found.

  5. This is draining really slowly. How would Noah have had enough food to last this long? I have trouble keeping food around for a few weeks with modern technology.
  6. This window was closed the entire time? What about airflow and ventilation? Everyone should have died of CO2 poisoning.
  7. Implies the water is dried up now


  8. And then promptly sends out another bird to check again?

  9. I thought “the waters were dried up from off the earth”? The tops of mountains were already visible? Did time go back 8.5 months?


  10. Because 7 is a magical number kids.

  11. There is no way an olive tree would have survived 5 months being underwater. Everything, including plants, should be dead.
  12. Now how will the dove find it’s pair to mate with? We should have no doves today

  13. We’re well past 600 years of “history” by this point.




  14. Everything is still dead though


  15. Dead because of this guy
  16. He evicts them from their home… kinda like in chapter 2
  17. They may be able to breed, but if anything happens to the animals, they would go extinct. Did predators eat the unicorn pair that came off the boat? Is that why we don’t have unicorns? Did noah sacrifice the unicorns to god?
  18. I wonder how many dead people they found.
  19. Can’t the author just say “All animals” here?



  20. welp, there goes the ability for these animals to repopulate.


  21. If he likes the smell of burning flesh so much, why not light the entire world on fire instead? Also: Humans are evil so I’ll destroy the planet in Genesis 6:5. Now he says “humans are evil, so I won’t destroy the planet”?
  22. AKA: Life goes on.

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Genesis Annotated: Chapter 7

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 6

Genesis Annotated: Chapter 8

Chapter 7 Overview

Flooding occurs and everything dies except for Noah on his magic boat of infinite storage space.

Additional thoughts

This chapter has some contradictions in it right from the get go. Noah’s story is retold somewhat, certain importance is given to “clean” animals (what makes an animal clean is undefined), and then the flood starts. And then time jumps back to what seems to be the end of chapter 6 and the flood starts again.

The author here seems to have worked at the Department of Redundancy Department because he REALLY likes repeating stuff.

The Scientific/logic/sequence mistakes in this chapter

  1. What makes an animal clean has not yet been defined (Genesis 7:2)
  2. God changes the animal requirements (Genesis 6:19, 7:2-3)
  3. Noah builds the ark twice (Genesis 6:22, 7:5)
  4. “Great Fountains” references outdated model of the world (Genesis 7:11)
  5. Flood resets (Genesis 7:13)
  6. 15 cubit is NOT mountain height (Genesis 7:20)
  7. Inconsistent flood duration (Genesis 7:17, 7:24)

Chapter 7: Genocide

  1. And the Lord said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.
  2. Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
  3. Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
  4. For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
  5. And Noah did according unto all that the Lord commanded him.
  6. And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.
  7. And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.
  8. Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
  9. There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
  10. And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.
  11. In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
  12. And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
  13. In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;
  14. They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.
  15. And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.
  16. And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the Lord shut him in.
  17. And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.
  18. And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.
  19. And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
  20. Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
  21. And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:
  22. All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
  23. And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
  24. And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
  1. Didn’t we already hear that Noah was the one who would be saved? Why repeat it here?

  2. Wait… I thought we were supposed to have 2 of every animal, not 7 of clean, 2 of unclean? Also, god hasn’t defined what clean or unclean means.
  3. So… 7 of these as well? And keep the seed alive on the face of the earth? Did the author believe plants come from birds?
  4. Repeating the genocide idea… almost like god is trying to talk himself into believing it’s a good idea.
    Forty should most likely be translated as “many” here.
  5. What a good boy… I thought he already did that though in Genesis 6:22?
  6. AKA: 50 years old not using lunar months

  7. Alright… that tracks so far based on Genesis 6:18.

  8. Still wondering when god defined clean/unclean. Does this mean animals aren’t prefect according to god now?
  9. So… just pairs, or 7 pairs of some “clean” animals and not others?

  10. 8th day starts the flooding then


  11. This seems to imply that the author believes Noah to literally be 600 years, not lunar months.


  12. AKA: Many days and Many nights

  13. Sudden time-skip backwards? Almost seems to be continuing from the end of chapter 6.

  14. Note the word every. That’s a pretty strong claim and doesn’t hold up to good ‘ol math. Check chapter 6 for the math. It’d also be nice of the author to define this “kind” already
  15. Sounds like just pairs, not 7 pairs of some and 1 pair of others.

  16. All flesh. Again, not enough space on that boat.

  17. AKA: Many days



  18. What about land plants? Plants CAN drown if they don’t have CO2 to break down.

  19. This nearly repeats verse 18 word for word. Why is it here?

  20. So… mountains are only 666.75cm tall? That’s only 6.66m. Short mountains!
  21. What a genocidal godomaniac



  22. Implying that this follows the creation myth from chapter 2.
  23. What is the “fowl of the heaven”? Is this some awesome bird that was created that we never heard about? This also pretty much repeats verse 21. This author REALLY likes redundantly repeating repetitious phrases.

  24. So… not 40 days like verse 17 would have us believe?

Additional notes

It’s very likely that the flood narrative describes a local flood. Some have pointed to a flood that affected Shurupakk, Kish as being the inspiration for this story. A flood height of 6.66m (about 25 feet) would have been sufficient to cause widespread destruction and have the tree tops covered.

Not only would this flood have killed “all flesh” on the earth, it would have killed sea life and freshwater life as the waters began to mix, killed off all plants by drowning them (yes, land plants CAN drown), and left massive amounts of sediment everywhere. Note that a sediment layer from a global, worldwide flood has never been found, nor is there any evidence of everything dying out and restarting over from such a small population.

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